I had a great conversation last night with a friend of mine. It was about putting in the work in relationships and how so many people these days in the Gen X, Y, Z and or millennial just don’t do that.
I’m going to touch mostly on relationships regarding dating but this applies to relationships in friends, family and business.
What we discussed and what I’ve personally found is the goal is to find this perfect person. But when they find who they thought was perfect has flaws, they want to bail and find the next person that gives them the initial good feels of falling for someone.
No one wants to put in the work in relationships anymore. Why is this?
My assumptions are this continued push by the media for finding a perfect mate, that gives you everything you need and want, without ever mentioning you need to be everything they need and want too…. I.E. putting in the work. Or the wonderful dating apps like Tinder and or Match.com as a whole (Which if you didn’t know they are one in the same company.) The thing is with these apps and services is that they’re goal is to keep you spending money on them and not finding the person of your dreams.
Think about it this way, if you could go on your phone and find the person you want with a few swipes, why wouldn’t you? And when things get remotely hard in your relationship, just find someone who really appreciates you and go back on the app and find another one.
It creates a perpetual cycle. It’s this assumption that there is always better and you always deserve the best. But never in any of this is anyone pointing the blame on themselves and saying, “Hey, I need work. I need to be better. I need to communicate more. I need to be there more. I need to be the best mate possible.”
It blows me away the amount of women that I’ve listened to and talked with about this. I’ll be with a group of women and one of them brings up how their boyfriend isn’t the most romantic and she feels she always needs to be the romantic one. She explains why this is the case and with about 2 minutes into this, all her friends are saying, “Girl, you need a better man. You deserve so much more.”
Never at any point is their any thought of maybe the guy doesn’t know any better. Maybe there needs to be communication and not assumptions as to what she wants. And I’ve seen the same conversation happen when it comes to work too… with the same women.
Story goes, same person with the boyfriend, says her boss just doesn’t support her enough and all the other employees despise her. Like clock work, “Girl you deserve better. The place I work for is hiring you should work for them.” So the answer is always bail?
You could say, its those same people and that’s why this is the case. I’ve been in so many conversations about this and different people of all walks of life that it isn’t just that group. It’s becoming, if not already is, the norm.
Oh and this doesn’t apply to just women. Far from it. Guys are on the same page. Girl isn’t there enough or give this guy what he wants, bail. Work isn’t paying enough after working for 30 days or 60, bail. It goes on and on.
Some where this generation lost the logic of great effort equals great reward. Staying in college isn’t the same as working 100/hrs a week or working out till you collapse, or giving everything you can in a relationship and continually trying to be your best for the other person. Not knocking college, I know it’s hard, but it isn’t the same as the work put in else where. Unless while you’re in college, you’re working, and continually working on yourself. Then we’re talking about being a game changer.
Of course I must bring up social media as it continually brings up images of people looking their best in relationships with all the right people and they couldn’t be happier. And that’s all there is on social media. No one wants to hear about the pain, the grind, the hurt. They want to see you succeeding, getting married, having kids. When reflecting on your own relationship, you see all these people on social media so happy in their relationships you think, “Well maybe I should find someone that makes me happy like they look.” And so goes the move to bail.
I’ve heard women say it to their boyfriends and husbands after watching a romcom movie, “You don’t look at me like he does to her in the movie.” Am I the only one that thinks that sounds insane? You’re talking about actors who aren’t in love as defining how the person you supposedly love is supposed to look at you? Am I missing something?
Put in the work. Across the board. Life doesn’t care about your pains, your sufferings, your set backs. You have to grind hard. When things get tough and the world seems against you, hit back harder. Get back up.
In the examples of relationships, if your partner cheats on you. Decide, can you get past this? If so, work through it. Tell them how it feels. How you feel. Work with them. If they don’t want to put the work in, know you did and move on. If you can’t get past it, accept that and find someone you can trust. Yes there are times that bailing makes sense. But because someone doesn’t make you dinner every night, doesn’t mean bail immediately. Or you talked to some guy and found him more interesting in the guy you’ve been dating for 3 years. Maybe you just need to ask him some questions.
I think we changed some where and many of us think relationships are all about us. It’s not. It’s about the other person and you. You have to give you. You hope they do the same in return. If they don’t, well that might not work. You have to work back and forth to find ground to always be working with each other and be on the same page.
Put in the work. No matter how hard. This life wasn’t meant to be easy. Understand and embrace that. Love the fact life won’t be easy and you’ll get what you want from life.